Inch towards life

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Shit happens. That's life.

It took me years to realize this simple truth. Actually, to accept it. Moving beyond the accumulated pain, hurt, shame, guilt, regret, anger and every other negative emotion is not easy.

I wanted to keep rewinding in my head about things that went wrong. I wanted to put everything in order, everything alright. I so wanted to fix what was wrong that I couldn’t see what was slipping between my fingers at the present moment.

So many lost opportunities. So many untaken decisions.

I believed that I have never led a life full of regrets. I took pride in the fact that I always did what I wanted to. I always jumped, at times without safety nets. I thought I was living by my playbook. Looking back, that wasn’t the case. Yes, I did things impulsively at times, took risks, but they were not because I didn’t want to look back at my life with regret. That was because I have this mad urge of taking risks, combined with a fiercely stupid moral compass that I have set for myself.

I do have regrets, which resulted in a whirlwind of emotions. And, before I knew it, I was back in the same circle of mistakes.

It took years of useless bawling over them, shutting myself out of the world, falling sick, repeatedly, and being aimless, to finally come to terms that there’s nothing I am achieving out of it.

I had to break the circle.

I knew I had to do something to change it. So, I began by cutting toxic people out of my life, mended a few core relationships and started to make peace with the past. Interestingly, I stopped controlling my life, stopped planning ahead and tried to live without getting stressed about every other small thing in life.

Inch-by-inch I was reclaiming my life. Every day I was loving myself more than the previous one. I was healing myself, but I was scared to take the big leap. I was scared to be truly vulnerable, to go all-out and live up to my potential.

I know I had many lost opportunities in the past. I know I can do much more than what I am doing right now. I know it’s time to put myself at the front line, rather than pushing others to win, while I lurk in the shadows.

It’s time to shine. It’s time to be the lost sunshine that I was once :)

Comments

  1. Mom and IdeasApril 12, 2022 at 12:23 AM

    I loved the last two lines. I totally relate to this post from chronic illness and toxic people, everything


    See you around the A-Z challenge!
    Hope you stop by my blog https://momandideas.com/

    ReplyDelete

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