Remembrance

My dear 13-year-old-self, I know today has been an important day in your life. Today, you started a journey of a life-long search. I know how scared and confused you felt when you saw something beyond your own face reflected in the mirror. As you whirled and danced to a tune unknown and suddenly stopped in front of the mirror, you saw yourself, and all of a sudden, you asked, “Who am I?” That one question opened a pandora’s box for you. Something beyond recognition told you that there is so much more to life than the one that is being projected in the world. You saw a glimpse of it. And, once you did, you couldn’t un-see it. It got etched into your memory forever.   Dear darling, I know at this point in time you are more worried about your Maths scores, your English essays and your secret first crush. Let me tell you, you will work really hard to score well in Maths and you will become an editor too. As for that crush, gosh girl, you have some really crazy taste in guys. He w...

I have a list – the "don't care" list. Some people are not worth your time, not even for your hatred. I have a policy, if they breach certain criteria (set by using some stupid old-fashioned moral compass), I put them on this list wherein I don't care if they live or die. For me, they simply cease to exist in my life. As condescending as it may sound, it helps in gaining some peace in your life. People are generally tedious, and dealing with them on a day-to-day basis, putting on a mask, is exasperating. At times, I want to shut myself from this din of the world. Then again, you cannot survive alone. You need people, and no matter how tiresome they get, you still need to interact with them in a cordial manner. Guess that makes me a hypocrite too. My need for warmth and security makes me hide my vulnerable self. They tell me I cannot be a mess. I need to be strong, independent and follow the dictum of the society. Problem is, the real me never allows me to do that....

There was a time when I searched for answers in various religious places and spiritual centers. I travelled all over the country to understand if I could gain some insights that could soothe my soul, make me calm and less disoriented. Whenever I visited any of these places, I felt peaceful, calm. I was grounded. There wasn’t any confusion, noise or anxiety. Each place had a different energy, and at each place I reacted in a different manner. I cried and shed some silent tears at Golden Temple . The energy was as cool as the sharovar (lake). I could not feel Krishna when I went to Badrinath Temple . Yet, I could sense his energy higher up in the Himalayas – someone else, who dabbles in energy, confirmed this. I knew I could wish for something at Manikaran Gurudwara , but didn’t feel like it. I felt overwhelming sadness as I listened to the live qawwalis at Hazrat Nizamuddin Dargah . Then there was a time when I dabbled in Buddhism. Not that I could imbibe everything, there were...

We all look for that one person we can completely rely on. Someone who is our homie, our go-to person. Someone who is always with us, whether in crisis or celebrations. We keep searching for that perfect confidante who will share our dreams and fears alike, who will motivate us when we fail or coax us to take risks. We mold this ideal person deep within us and involuntarily try to match it with everyone that we meet. Often we get excited to find someone closer to our ideal and start adulating them, only to get disappointed soon after. Is that their fault? No. It is ours. Why is it that we never find that perfect person ever in our lives? The answer is simple. We search for them outside of us, as a separate entity. Instead, they are who we are. They are us. The person we want to bank upon is none other than our own selves. However, layers of insecurity, self-doubt and low esteem push us to find ourselves in someone else. We are never reflected in others. Stop searching yourself ...

Most women are like phoenixes, they might get battered, soiled and destroyed, but like a true phoenix, they rise again, that too from their own ashes. What gives them such power? No one really knows. They might look vulnerable, emotional, clingy, weepy and demanding, but with all of these they are also confident, rational, independent, smiling and understanding. Yes, they are the great contradiction, and it is this contradiction that makes them unique, with each claiming a little bit of sunshine. When I see my women friends getting promoted at work, finding a new job, marrying the person they truly love, quitting their jobs to raise their newborns, juggling with project deadlines and school homework, raising their voice against injustice, standing up for their dignity, I feel a bit of a personal triumph myself, only because, I am a woman too...And, like every other woman, I also have a simple desire, to fight for my identity.