Hopelessly Hopeful

I love to sleep. Any spare time goes into napping. In fact, my entire family loves to sleep, including my dog Mojo. We are one sleep-loving family, which includes not just the immediate members, but also the extended clan. If there is ever a competition for sleeping for the most number of hours, my family will win it hands down. Of course, we have some famous sleep-related stories too, which are often re-told at family gatherings. Favourite one being, how my father and uncle missed their train, as they decided to take a nap before catching the evening train. What makes the incident funnier is that at that time we used to live almost 10 minutes walking distance from the railway station! So, my dad and uncle decided that they can time their nap in such a manner that they should be able to walk to the station with enough time to spare. They overslept and by the time they reached the over-bridge, they saw the train leaving the station. Then we have a cousin of mine who is so famous for...

Wished a sister of mine on her birthday, who ruefully mentioned that she has turned 39! Pointed out to her, being the wiser elder one, that next year she will be joining the 40-club and told her it’s time to become wiser 😃. That didn’t go down well though. Guess, standing at that boundary-line of about to cross into mid-life and suddenly realizing you are not so young, and yet young enough, must be a scary proposition. Plus, the responsibility of young children, aged parents and in-laws, while wanting to cash-on in the prime years at workplace, must be daunting tasks as well. We don’t give enough credit to people in their 40s. They are the ones who are holding on to everything, trying to maintain a balance between family, work and friends. They are completely stressed out and never get much appreciation for what they do. In fact, as per everyone else, they are either not doing enough or doing everything wrong. By the time you are in your 40s, they expect you to be sorted and wise....

We want something X-tra (extra) in our lives. That X factor is what we crave for, whether wanting an extraordinary job, extra loving partner, extra-large house, extra-fab holidays… everything has to be in excess. Then only we are somewhat satiated with our lives, or at least have a superior feeling of having more than our peers. This extra becomes so nauseating that often we get obsessed to have the best for us. We want to beat everyone and rule the world (at least, the bubble world we have created). At times, we feel we deserve it. Then there are some who follow those people, who as per their perception have extraordinary lives. They believe that these are the guys who are sorted and are the top crop, the crème de la crème of society. They want to be a part of that ‘cool’ circle and are prepared to do anything to feel ‘included’. Point is, is that worth it? If you ask me, I like who I am. Maybe, those extras are not for me. They do help me earn my living, but let them be there...

I am not a winter lover. I cannot stand the cold, dry and sun-less season, where I am just trying to forever keep myself warm with copious amount of soups, coffees and warm water. I get really whinny and just don’t feel like doing any work. Delhi is famous for its ‘Dilli ki saardi’ (Delhi’s winter). Don’t understand what’s so famous about it. It’s just cold, that’s all. The worst part is the sunless days, and then some day it starts drizzling. Imagine cold plus rain. Ruins the entire experience of rains completely, which, by the way, is beautiful in Delhi. I had written the below some years ago as an ode to winters. It captures my apt emotions for the season. Hope you guys like it.  And hey, any winter haters here?

Music is the only thing that makes any sense in this world. It just takes you to a place that is amazingly your own. Each song has a different meaning for a different person. Every song has its own mood. Then there are songs that are so powerful that it gives voice to some unspoken words or motivate the voiceless to speak up. Here’s a list of some of my favorite songs with a voice: Bol by Shafqat Amanat Ali Khan Coke Studio version . It’s an ode to the empowering poem of Faiz Ahmad Faiz. Bol, ye thora waqt bahut hai,  Jism o zabaan ki maut se pahle;  Bol, ke sach zinda hai ab tak – Bol, jo kuchh kahna hai kah-le!   What powerful lines. It literally translates to: Speak, this little time is plenty I   Before the death of body and tongue: I  Speak, for truth is alive-  Speak, say whatever is to be said. Heer toh badi sad hai from Tamasha movie . All the songs in this movie are beautiful, but this one is unique. A sad love ballad on a peppy tu...

Do you believe in the concept of universe? Do you put your thoughts and intentions out to the universe and then wait for the magic to happen? Is there really some cosmic energy that helps in realizing what you truly wish for? Ever since reading Rhonda Byrne’s The Secret, more than a decade ago, the mind found a new ‘deity’, so as to say, to ask for things and wishes to be fulfilled. Maybe, as this vast universe could somehow be equated with the universal universe out there and the terms energy and cosmos sound logical, there is a tendency to believe in this formless universe. Somehow the lack of a form adds to the mystery and everyone is free to conceive universe as per their own convenience. The concept is modern, without the boundaries of rituals. However, does that work or is it again a figment of our imagination to help us feel being taken care of by a higher up authority? Skipping through the entire intention part of it, as I close my eyes, all I can see is a vast cosmos, and ...

How do we know whom to trust and whom not to? Is that instinctive or do we learn on the fly? Some people, who seem nice initially, often turn out to be backstabbers. How do we discern between such people? Trust is a relative term to actually describe the state-of-mind of a person. What is the person thinking? What are his / her circumstances? What is their behavioral pattern? Are they following a pattern that they have accustomed themselves with while growing up? I have observed, usually a person breaks trust due to some underlying motivations. Some of the common denominators are greed, envy, anger and lust. These people might not be bad, but they are just motivated to act upon their strong urges. If they can rein themselves in, they can do great work. They, however, give in to their human frailty. Anyway, back to the original query. How do we know whom to trust and whom not to? I guess, we will never know. There isn’t any inbuilt radar that can tell us if a person is trustworthy...

I am not much of a secret keeper. If I know something, I would usually tell someone else about it, unless it is too sensitive or if the other person has told me explicitly not to pass on the information. Funny, how this ‘don’t tell anyone else’ thing work. Usually the person telling you this is the one who goes around telling everyone about that particular piece of information, and before you know it, everyone knows! There was a time when I knew almost everything about everyone. I used to make extra effort to talk to people. I knew about their struggles, fears and issues. I offered as much help as I could. I just knew too much. And, that became tedious after a while. Listening to the same old tales got annoying, especially at times when I started witnessing similar pattern. Some just kept repeating the cycle. It was the same mistake, the same desire and thus, the same outcome. If they were refusing to learn, who was I to do anything about it? I decided to take a walk from this hu...

Does love solve everything? Can it be the ultimate answer? Does it make even difficult situations and problems easy? Dumbledore famously told Harry, “You are protected, in short, by your ability to love!” reminding him of the power of love. So, does love really protect us? Is it as powerful as it is talked about? We have had poets and authors writing lyrical ballads and novels on this particular topic. Philosophers, psychologists and even scientists are forever trying to decode the mystery behind this oxytocin-producing emotion. No one really knows what love is. It is just a very strong feeling that helps in making some sense of this world. It makes you bond with others – your family, friends, spouse, children, beloved et al. It makes you feel less alienated and somehow gives you a reason to live. You do things in the name of love, it is a potent motivator. It is a kind of glue that is loosely sticking us together to help us navigate our time on this planet. It’s gooey, it’s me...

Que sera, sera Whatever will be, will be The future's not ours to see Que sera, sera What will be, will be I heard this song as a child and was instantly drawn towards its beautiful music and the simple, yet powerful lyrics. I didn’t understand much of it, but I loved to hum it.   Later in life, another quote took prominence. A sloka from the holy text Bhagavad Gita – karm kiye ja, phal ki chinta mat kar – which roughly translates to – focus on your work/action, don’t think of the result/outcome. That became my mantra , and at times it did help me in excelling in a lot of areas. When you work without expectations, without putting too much stress on gaining something out of a particular activity, you are practically doing something without putting pressure of winning on yourself. That’s a great way of living.   However, your intent needs to be honest, and you need to put all your efforts in your work. You may not be expecting some grand result, but don’t cut corn...

Most people desire a picture perfect life, a life that has all the ingredients of happiness, health, wealth and success. Mostly, this picture is linked with material gains, the bigger the possession, the better the picture. And then that’s what it is, picture perfect, worthy of being shared on social media. However, is that what it is? Is life supposed to be picture perfect? Are we not imperfect in our own ways and should we not celebrate our imperfectness? The moment we desire perfectness, six sigma-level performances, we are somehow setting ourselves for failure. Human beings are not machines and we are not in an assembly unit, which requires certain specifications for producing a quality product. We are in a fragile shell (body) with an equally fragile interior (emotions). We cannot aim for perfection. But, can we aim for balance, instead? Try to be still within. I try, and often fail. At times, I am still, in harmony with my inner being, and then, some irritant and the mult...

Some people get offended very easily. Anything and everything offends them. Why? Some have fragile ego. They live inside their flimsy bubbles and even a slightest of outside force exposes their delicate self to the world. It is tough to always remain diplomatic around everyone. Sometimes, you do want to deal with people with utmost transparency, but that’s not really an option, is it? I take time to get offended. Sometimes, even if someone is deliberately trying to offend me, I may simply choose to ignore it and try to understand why that person is saying such a thing, maybe some deep-rooted hurt is making him/her say that. It’s always about giving a benefit of doubt to the other person. Maybe, they are judgmental or racist or rude because they dealt with something worse in their lives or they didn’t have an alternative environment to compare their lives with. I have been told so many worse things in my life, some on my face and some behind my back. A look at those smug faces, and ...

Are mothers always a blessing? Is there a truth behind this overtly used quote circulated on social media, “God could not be everywhere, and therefore he made mothers”? Maybe, we need to see them from the fresh perspective of mothers being human. Let’s take them a notch down from that pedestal of an ‘all-sacrificing’ woman, and view her objectively. She is foremost, a human being and then a woman and thereafter, if she chooses to be, she becomes a mother. Yes, while being human or a woman is not a choice for her, being mother definitely is something she chooses to be. Mothers are necessity for procreating and advancing the human race. However, given the current global population, maybe it would be better to put a stop to having more children, and maybe, it would be a good idea to care for the unfortunate ones. Or maybe it’s just me. The IVF industry is a living proof after all! Anyway, original question – are mothers always a blessing? Let’s break some myths: -    ...

I have never been good at expressing my emotions or even acknowledging other people’s emotions, for that matter. I think it has to do with how I shield myself and get into the cocoon of my own world, afraid of being hurt or being abused. It might be oddly comforting to be nonchalant rather than express what you are really feeling at that moment. Or maybe, growing up, no one really knew how to handle my emotions and everyone might have just settled into a rhythm of zero emotions from my end. I am always the calm one at home, with friends and family, the negotiator, the listener, the problem solver. But when I am the one needing help, I often struggle to ask for one. Even if I am offered, I don’t like to take it up, because somewhere down the line I know that help is not for free, there will be strings attached to it.   I could see people for who they are. I can read their intentions. Previously, it used to bother me, not so much now. Now, I see them dance in their own pool of ...

I am dramatic. I love drama. Anything larger than life, I am game. Maybe that's partly because my entire family loves drama too, literally. I mean my great-grandfather, grandfather, father, uncles, cousins and even my sister-in-law have acted in local plays. My father is still an integral part of a drama group in Delhi's Bengali society. Guess I get my creative gene from them.    Yes, I do love simple things in life - the sunsets, rain, smell of the earth post the rainfall, the Amaltas laden Delhi roads, the moon, the stars - they all soothe my soul, especially in moments when I wish to be with myself. It feels as if these are part of me, it's a strange homecoming to be one with these beautiful elements of nature.    Then again, there is life and it gets pretty boring without any drama in it, don’t you agree?    I think, a family-reunion does not count to be a reunion unless there is one relative who becomes a party-pooper and tells everyone off for e...

I wanted to avoid writing about this topic, but the early morning visuals from NYC is churning my insides. The grief, anger and sadness that I have been hoarding up somehow needs an unbridled outlet.  The past couple of months had only been filled with human misery, with televised war footages, screaming about useless killing of hundreds of people in Ukraine. The heartbreaking images of children crying in the ruins or desperate people becoming refuges with unknown fate make me look at with utter shame at the failings of the human race. We are supposed to be intelligent. Violence is our show of intelligence, is it? What one-upmanship are we going to attain by any of these? Then again, who are we arguing with? Bunch of powerful idiots who think killing people is the only way to get some supreme power or doing 'God's work'.  This same template is being repeated everywhere. Some gets highlighted, for obvious political gains, and some are brushed under the carpet, again for obvi...

Shit happens. That's life. It took me years to realize this simple truth. Actually, to accept it. Moving beyond the accumulated pain, hurt, shame, guilt, regret, anger and every other negative emotion is not easy. I wanted to keep rewinding in my head about things that went wrong. I wanted to put everything in order, everything alright. I so wanted to fix what was wrong that I couldn’t see what was slipping between my fingers at the present moment. So many lost opportunities. So many untaken decisions. I believed that I have never led a life full of regrets. I took pride in the fact that I always did what I wanted to. I always jumped, at times without safety nets. I thought I was living by my playbook. Looking back, that wasn’t the case. Yes, I did things impulsively at times, took risks, but they were not because I didn’t want to look back at my life with regret. That was because I have this mad urge of taking risks, combined with a fiercely stupid moral compass that I hav...

I live in a world that demands a house A house with a husband, kids and maybe a pet, if my husband allows Allow he must for me to function, my choice of clothes, my career in the bay Bay is the corner where my dreams are buried, along with my self and a little identity Identity is now an access card to my office, actually my desk, as offices are sealed with glass ceilings Glass ceilings are aspirational, I tell myself, maybe  will get there maybe I will not I will not, however, give up on my dream, to someday have, what I believe they call a hearth, a home, a place of love.

Reposting this from another blog of mine, simply because I love this post. It feels like an internal monologue and yet so real :)   He:  I am an atheist. She:  Should that concern me? He:  Only if you are the religious types. She:  W hat if I am? He:  Too bad, we could have been friends. She:  So you make friends based on their belief in God? He:  Not really, it is just convenient to have friends who would not blame God for their miseries, for their inefficiencies and luckless lives. She:  Are you a believer of  karma  then? He:  No, I just believe in myself. I only know me. She:  Really, who are you? He:  That’s not hard to define. Besides the usual stuff that my resume states, I am someone who is completely focused on my goal. She:  What is your goal? He:  You ask too many questions, but I don’t mind answering this one. My goal is to build a log cabin high up on a lonely mountain....

This is one of those random posts that you end up posting at the nth hour, because you are running late to meet your deadline for the day. Why filter coffee? Well, the topmost word that comes to mind with the letter “F” is a highly censored one. Besides, at this hour I am thinking of coffee because my brain is completely fuzzy. My to-do for the day is not even half-done and I already have a foot-long to-do for the next day, which starts in precisely half-an-hour! Anyway, filter coffee. No darling, not a regular one or the fancy Starbucks variety, which I feel tastes all the same or maybe it’s just me. I still am not able to discern between the Nescafe vending machine coffee, Barista coffee and the great Starbucks ones. Also, what’s with this entire iPhone, iPad, Macbook and noise cancellation earphones paraphernalia at this coffee shop? Is that a dress code or a status symbol or do Apple and Bose pay a commission to Starbucks? Anyway, filter coffee. The first time I had filte...

I think going through existential crisis sometimes is actually good. It makes me question what I am doing with my life. It makes me completely uncomfortable and literally kicks me in my butt to drive me out of my comfort zone. Yes, I get complacent following the same routine again and again or worse, get totally disoriented and try to do too many things at a given time.  When I question my entire existence and the meaninglessness of doing anything in life, it creates a void, a vacuum that sucks the entire life force within, churning out a black hole that keeps pulling me towards a dark core. If I lose myself at that instance, I am gone forever, trapped inside the vicious cycle of questions, answers, known, unknown, whys, whats and what nots.  So, just before the boundary of the whirlwind, I pause and look beyond the obvious. It is obvious, isn't it? Life doesn't have any meaning. We fill it with small purposes to make our life livable, to give some meaning to our exis...

How diligent should I be to reap benefits from my efforts? Does a year or two count, or do I need to be consistently straining myself year-after-year to achieve the desired results? When I see sportspeople, academics or scientists pouring their entire energies to reach their goals, I often wonder, “Is that even worth it?” After all, nothing is really going to matter. We are born, we live and we die. Beyond that, everything is just a pretend play, isn’t it? It’s this pretention that we enact so diligently. The next gold medal. The top rank in the university. The Nobel Prize. Our rate of diligence is exactly proportional to what we want to accomplish. These days, I see my diligence waning. The things that excited me once, does not anymore. No, my brain hasn’t stopped running a thousand simulations for finding a solution for the business problems. In fact, I find it tough to stop it at times. The sheer kick of providing an answer to a question, fixing a solution or finding the mis...

Why can't there be a cure for everything? Yes, it's fine we have maladies, diseases and pain, but with that, why not have cure for these as well? Why do we need to see others suffer as they struggle to keep themselves afloat, as their body slowly starts to wane and as everyone near them try desperately to find some ray of hope to keep them going? Heart is heavy.  Eyes are wet.  Words are failing. Hope is denting. But the fight is on.  And, must we fight.  And, keep on fighting. Because, warriors don't go to war to lose.  Either way, they win. And, must we win.  Please pray that we win.  

We all look for that one person we can completely rely on. Someone who is our homie, our go-to person. Someone who is always with us, whether in crisis or celebrations. We keep searching for that perfect confidante who will share our dreams and fears alike, who will motivate us when we fail or coax us to take risks. We mold this ideal person deep within us and involuntarily try to match it with everyone that we meet. Often we get excited to find someone closer to our ideal and start adulating them, only to get disappointed soon after. Is that their fault? No. It is ours. Why is it that we never find that perfect person ever in our lives? The answer is simple. We search for them outside of us, as a separate entity. Instead, they are who we are. They are us. The person we want to bank upon is none other than our own selves. However, layers of insecurity, self-doubt and low esteem push us to find ourselves in someone else. We are never reflected in others. Stop searching yourself ...

It is, isn't it? The dictionary says, it means, "to agree not to argue anymore about a difference of opinion." There you go, in the meaning itself, I have enough fodder for more disagreements. It's basic human nature. If I know you don't like something and I am fond of it, I will try and use any argument in my arsenal to make you endorse my viewpoint. It's just the cheap thrill of winning someone over.  Think about it. What will happen to Plato's art of persuasion and his entire 'gameplan' of Ethos, Pathos and Logos? How will the parliaments world over survive if we all 'respectfully' agree to disagree? Have you ever seen two people saying, "Let's agree to disagree?" While the words are civil, their taunt handshake, clenched jaws and the almost blue faces deprived off oxygen tell a different story.  Here, you are open to agree or disagree with my opinion. Of course, if we don't reach a logical conclusion, we can always ...