When I met my 20-year-old idealistic self again

Let's call her S. I have known her since she was three. I was the one to get her addicted to books. Gifted them to her on every occasion and non-occasions too. These days, I always see her with some or the other book in her hands. She finishes at least two of them in a week. It reminds me that I was just like her once, a bookworm, who permanently had a book glued to her nose. Read while I ate, while I travelled and almost always fell asleep while reading each night. Now, I hardly pick up a book. I read what is necessary for me to read. It is always about work. 

However, what S reminds me the most is of my young idealistic self. Today, as she talked about her projects and college, she said that she wants to change her specialization for her Masters. She was always focused on wanting to study food and nutrition, and I keep encouraging her to apply outside India. I know her spark will shine bright if given the right opportunity. Today, she surprised me by saying, "Since the time I have started my human development course this semester, I have been fascinated by it. I want to do my research on childhood development." 

I probed her further, as just a few classes won't really make her shift her focus. She has always been so penchant about food and nutrition. She said, "We were asked to do a behavioral study of an artisan community of potters and it really opened so many possibilities as I interacted with them, especially a 12-year-old girl who was so mature in handling some of the toughest situations in life." Something still felt off. 

I said, "Maybe, because you are looking at it from your privileged upbringing. That's how usually most children in such situation are. They hustle, they know that only their hardwork will help them rise above their current situation in life." 

She became thoughtful, but next moment said, "You know it's so fascinating to do on-ground research. One of our young lecturers, who has just completed her PhD lived in the Rann of Kutch, in the salt pans with the community for an year to understand their behaviour. It would be great to have such an experience." I had a sinking feeling at that time. It felt as if I am looking at my 20-year-old self. I knew I might have to bust her bubble, but I was still intrigued about her choice of research topic.

Sensing that I was still not convinced, she said, "The other day, we visited Katha." Instantly, I knew where this was going, but I let her speak. "They have such a lovely concept. They do so much of research to understand what kind of books to publish for children. For instance, they have a book about a child riding a school bus. It's a simple story of a bus journey, that's all. They believe that why do we always need to have a moral for a story. Why can't the story be just a story. Isn't that really exciting. I want to make such a change too, make a difference," she finished with a flush. 

I didn't have the heart to bust her bubble, but I did tell her, "You know such organisations are usually run by either bureaucrats' wives or rich ladies with money, and they don't care much about how things are handled." She said in a hurry, "Yes, this one is run by someone who lives in the US."

I knew it was time to show her some reality. So I told her, "We live in a privileged world, reality is much more harsh than we think of. When you would get onto the ground, you would realise that we shouldn't even think of cribbing about anything in our lives. What we take for granted are luxury for many. Then there is corruption, that too blatant. You may think you are doing good and when someone is working to make a change in the society, they will be good people. Contrary to it, these people are often the most corrupted. Are you ready for this?"

I wanted to say more. The maternal instinct to protect her wanted me to not let her go that way. I knew this idealism will be crushed over time. But then I refrained myself. I was not her. She may remind me of my younger self, but she may not repeat my mistakes. She may make different ones, but then that's how she will learn.

Today, her idealism wants her to make a change in the society. Tomorrow, the same society will tell her to mind her own business. I hope she perseveres through it, stands her ground, unlike me, and does what her heart really wants her to do. I will cheer for her from the stands, always. 

It was bittersweet to see myself reflected in her. And somehow, it made me thoughtful too. It awakened something inside me, a fire I thought was long dead. The sparks are still there. It has never been cold ash. Maybe, it's time to rekindle it.🙂