I wish...

Do you sometimes feel as if you are a spectator of your own life?

As if your life is being shown on the big screen and you are merely watching it pass each moment. Interestingly, there are no theatrics, no Dolby sound, no background music. It is just a raw canvas depicting the running event of your life. 

You watch it in awe, at times you cringe at your own stupidity. You know you could have done better. As each passing moment becomes an immediate past, you often regret your various decisions and indecisions.

And sometimes you watch it pass without any passion. You feel so non-attached that it robs you of all your emotions. 

You just wait for the end credits to roll.

Years ago when I had met my maternal grandmother, just before her death, I had felt a sense of boredom in her voice and saw her clear eyes that had not reflected any emotions, yet they were so deep. She had a strange sense of being free.

A pious lady, she had dedicated her life to her spiritual quest. However, she never gave us any 'gyaan', or forced us to follow her. I remember my father asking her to persuade me to get married. She looked at me and told my father, "If, and whenever, she wishes to marry, she will bring the person to you. Why do you worry about her?"

It was so liberating to see someone being so free in her end days. No desire, nothing, yet there was a strange sense of being, ready to go back home. I have never met someone like her, waiting to leave her mortal body like that. 

As I turn a year older, I wish I could be like her some day and when I go, I leave with a sense of serenity and peace.