When I leave them…

I have a list – the "don't care" list. Some people are not worth your time, not even for your hatred. I have a policy, if they breach certain criteria (set by using some stupid old-fashioned moral compass), I put them on this list wherein I don't care if they live or die. For me, they simply cease to exist in my life.

As condescending as it may sound, it helps in gaining some peace in your life. People are generally tedious, and dealing with them on a day-to-day basis, putting on a mask, is exasperating. At times, I want to shut myself from this din of the world. Then again, you cannot survive alone. You need people, and no matter how tiresome they get, you still need to interact with them in a cordial manner.

Guess that makes me a hypocrite too. My need for warmth and security makes me hide my vulnerable self. They tell me I cannot be a mess. I need to be strong, independent and follow the dictum of the society. Problem is, the real me never allows me to do that. It rebels, and rebels like hell. So, as I try to balance the dichotomies of my life, I usually fail at every social level.

I may accept others who have betrayed me, but how do I accept my own betrayal? That, I cannot live with. Eventually, it surfaces and the rebel in me tears the mask each time. It propels me forward, quelling my fear inch-by-inch. I am still very scared, nervous of who I will eventually turn out to be. But, this fear and nervousness strangely feels good. There is an anticipation in that knowing.

So, fare forward, my lady!