I healed

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It's an oft repeated phrase - Time heals everything. Truth is, it doesn't. At best, it just puts a flimsy translucent layer of the passing year, in an attempt to seal it away. Given enough years, you may have a patch that looks so unappealing that you decide to leave it as is. All it will take is a strong urge to prick the ends and the wound is as good as new.

What truly heals you is "You". No one or no words of anyone can heal that deep-seated pain that you feel. You really need to have the desire to heal, to stop the hurt, to have the courage to say, "that's enough, I am out of here." More than that, you need to somehow tell yourself that you are no longer looking for answers to your unanswered questions.

That's how I healed. It took decades to realise the irrelevance of my questions, to say it doesn't matter, that I don't want to know why she did what she had to. It wasn't easy but it gave me so much peace. I was even able to forgive her. The scars remain but the wound has healed.

It was like a cascading effect. As soon as I sealed that original trauma, I could heal every other wounds after that and was able to forgive every single one of them. 

It finally set me free. The storm had passed, the wreckage was left behind. I didn't need any momento. 

I was enough for myself. 

Only one lingering wound was left. I had tried to seal it with anger and indifference. As it was pushed in the background, I felt maybe the memories will erase too. Life doesn't work as you wish it should. When you supress something, it erupts with violent force. This one was boiling for a solid decade. It scalded me last week. That's when I realised it mattered and it still matters, because that's one wound which will always matter above the rest. 

I had to seal it. I couldn't let it burn me forever. So, I finally forgave him and myself. The moment I did I felt a blanket of love and kindness around me. I could see the vulnerable me, only stronger this time. The memories flooded back, it was overwhelming. Took me sometime to steady myself, to see clearly what it had meant. Now I understand. 

There is no clutter anymore. The "I" has left. This life now has endless possibilities. I am in no hurry to choose. I just want to be here, present in the now for a while. 

I finally love myself ❤️

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